Ausie! Ausie! Ausie!

This week's doggie blog is brought to you from Sydney, Australia. The land of digaridoos, rugby and 6% beer. Homer and Mervin are unfortunately not here. They are staying at our vet for the next 2 weeks. But first, let's back up to the beginning of the week.

Homer and Mervin spent a lot of the week with Ellen. She has been home sick with Mono, so the pups have gotten a lot of time to lounge around the house during the day time. Great weather has warranted a lot of play time in the backyard. A lot of the time, Homer and Mervin will chase each otherback and forth. Many parallels can be drawn to greyhound races. They use the width and breadth of the yard. All we need is a little baited bunnytrack and those two would probably wear a path of their own. Homer is particularly found of playing catch with the hairless tennisball. The tennisball is hairless because Homer managed to knaw off all the little yellow tennis folicals. Apparently Homer's GI is fortified enough to withstand a coating of yellow fibers.

This week was relatively unexciting. We did not get to do much with the dogs because we were getting ready for Australia. On Sunday Homer did manage to ralph all over the carpet in the dining room. So I spent a fun 45 mins scrubbing that up. I am getting pretty good at these since Mervin has become a regular offender. This house will not survive 2 dogs. I think I have said that before.

Friday morning I had to take the dogs to the Vet for kenneling. This was Homer's first trip in the escort. He was extremely excited. He spent most of the time looking out the window at all the stuff going by. He actually adourned a waiving fan as we passed through the neighborhood. Homer is big enough to pretty much look like another person in the car. In fact, he actually hits his head on the ceiling. Mervin did a great job in the back in his travel kennel. A no vomit trip is the best kind of trip. He has a bit of a social paranoia when it comes to cars. The second he gets into a car, he starts drooling uncontrollably. If you drive around corners too fast or slow down too fast, he has the potential to vomit. He has done this since the day we got him. We have found that the best thing to do is put him in his travel kennel and drive slowly.

When we got to the kennel, both dogs were excited to be at this strange new place. We entered the vet with much enthusiam, but that quickly deteriorated. Getting the dogs on the scales was a struggle. Mervin had lost some pretty significant weight, pulling down a respectable 27.5lbs. Homer did well again hovering around 75lbs. After the paperwork was complete, it was time for good byes. I have to say, since the beginning of the year, I have definitely become more attached to these two dogs. I was pretty sad to see them go. Mervin gave sufficient kisses even though he was excited to be at the vet. Homer was not as enthused, but mustered enough courage to follow the nurse into the back room and wag his tail good bye. They are in good hands though and will be well cared for.

Sorry, no pictures this week.

Welp, from the land down under... B-Dubs out!!

Homer goes to the Vet!!!

Note to self. When scheduling pups for the kennel you want during spring break, schedule early!! This is the lesson we learned when we tried schedule Homer for time at 4Paws Unleashed. This is pretty much a daycare facility for pets. They do walks, they have play times with other animals, there is grooming and treats and toys and pools and slides. Its like puppy dog heaven. This place sounds better than our vacation. If you thought this place could not get one-upped, you thought wrong. You need to check out, Avondale Pet Resort. Guests get their own themed room, with beds and heated floors and one-on-one times with trainers, and ultra posh spas and grooming and physical therapy and laser surgery. Paris Hilton's rat dog would feel remorse staying at this place. In fact, we would probably need to refinance our house if we wanted to send Mervin here... Either way, we were not able to get either dog into these kennels. Instead we settled for tried and true Altoona Vet. This is like the Hampton Inn of Kennels, clean, good service, but no frills...

Later this week, Homer got to go to Creature Comforts Vet for his checkup. Over course Homer was frantic with all the excitement of a different place and other dogs in the waiting room and the fact that its a hospital. I would be nervous too. They escorted us into an examination room. Homer spent our 10 min wait sniffing out the place and hiding under our chairs. When the doctor came in, not even beefy treats could get him out. He was not coming out, so we had to use some gentle persuation. Homer was good for the doctor though. He sat still for his exmination and his 4 shots. Then the doc and nurse took him in back to cut his nails. We could pretty much hear everything. There was a lot of whine, but mostly from the staff. Apparently Homer's old collar still smelled of skunk and BO and death. But, both Homer and the staff made it through with flying colors. The procnosis: Homer is completely healthy. He has lost 7lbs since his last check-up and the doc said he could stand to loose 5 more. Wish Mervin could have such good check-ups.

After the Vet visit, we hopped over to PetSmart and picked up a new ISU collar for Homies. This one smelled a million times better. Plus this new one is bright and clean and really stands out against Homer's dark fur. Homer also got a new rabies tag to go with his name tag. He looks very sophisticated if I do say so myself. Ellen fitted Homer with his new collar and then it was off to the Brown Dog Bakery for some freshly baked dog treats. This place is like the Old Country Buffet of dog treats. They 48ft of bone chewing selections and full of fresh out of the oven dog pastries. We got Homies a large bone and Mervy pants a little one. The pictures to the left and right of Mervin and Homer each indulging in their bones. I am not sure the shudder speed on our camera was quick enough to capture Mervin breathing in his bone. It was gone in under a couple nanoseconds. Homer on the other hand, savoired every bite. All in all, Saturday was a good day for the pups.

Since is was so nice out, Homer and I went for a stroll. Had I known there were going to be so many little kids and teenagers by the lake, I would not have gone there. But we pressed on anyway. Homer was completely freaked 90% of the time. About every 15 secs, someone walked by Homer was having nothing of it. He was particularly frightened of the 3-5yr old children on bicycles. One child walking/running behind us, thought it would be a great idea to annoy Homer and I. The little punk thought it would be awesome to run right up to Homer and I then stop, wait 15 sec, repeat. And every time the kid would run up, Homer would lurch forward trying to get away from the boy. This went for the first quarter of the trip. The last time he did it, I shot him a nasty look that would bore through steel. And that pretty much ended it. Homer and I completed our walk.

On a final note, I captured a good pic of Homies and Mervies cuddling on Homer's bed. They have been doing this sporadically for the past month or two. Mervin has little man's inferiority complex and insists on being the big spoon.

B-dubs out!!

Weekend with the Wade's

Ladies and gents, let me tell you, this was a nice week in Iowa. We had a couple 40deg days, a 50deg day and a 74deg day. It was awesome. Some of you might think that is nothing to brag about. But for us Iowan's who are used to 0 to teens weather and snow and rain and ice and "Wintery Mix"(I don't really know what that is, let alone the spell checker) this time of year, those kinds of temps are what some people talk about for ages. In fact, I bet when I'm in my early 100-tweens, I will say to my great great great great grand children, "I remember back in the day when we didn't have Autoweather and we indulged in sporatic weeks like the first week in March of 2008". By the end of that sentence, they will have gotten bored, played 17 virtual games and had conversations with 4 other people about how great great great great grandpa smells, without me even noticing...

Anyway, my point is, the weather was good and that allowed Homer and I to go on lots of walks. In fact, we went on walks 5 of the 7 days this week. That is a new record! Homies was extremely excited to go out this week because of the weather and there were a lot of kids out. Not that he would know what to do with kids, other than bark at them and run away. But at least he was excited about it. We went on our usual route around the lake. This week, not only were there lots of people out walking, the bikers came out as well. They are particularly difficult to deal with when they come up behind you and you are wearing earphones and cannot hear anything outside of your current tune and they about run you over. I almost got taken out from behind by an overweight dude decked out in full biker attire. Not Cool!! Homer had the hardest time dealing with it though. Anytime he saw someone on a bike, I knew we were going to go for a ride. Homer wanted nothing to do with bikes and had no problems dragging my 140lbs along for the ride into the nearby forest or couples of people standing on the side of the walk way. This Saturday I went on a walk with the rents and was able to take both dogs out. Mervin was so completely thrilled to be outside of the house and the fenced backyard. He made sure Dad kept up with the group. Mervin has a tendency to "powerwalk" wherever he goes, so that helps. That last 10mins of the walk it started to downpour. Homer and Mervin had no problem with it though. They thought it was great.

Speaking of walking/running dogs, I listen to AC360 podcast on weekdays and stumbled about this video last week. HI-llarious. I actually had a couple people in the office ask me what I was laughing so hard about...



Homer ran out of food this week. So I ran to Target and purchased a 50lb bag of Purina Dog chow. This bag was enormous. I mean, this would take Mervin literally an entire year to finish. Homer might polish this bag off before May-ish.

Also, Homer spent the weekend hiding/barking and my parents. Homies went through his normal adjustment routine of barking at foreign people from the dining room where he thinks he is safe. Then he will venture closer to the new person but never get with in touching distance. Eventually the barking dies down and he will go about his normal business while maintaining a 10ft radius from the newcomers. If he ever leaves the room to go outside or upstairs and comes back to the same new people, we start the process over gain. Its like he has temporary amnesia. But he eventually got over it and by the end of the weekend, the barking was pretty much done and Kev and Deb could get pretty close to him.

Update:
I was reminded tonight that Homer became the first Houdini dog ever. On Monday and Tuesday, Ellen went through her normal routine packing her lunch and putting the dogs away in their kennels. This is normally a trivial process that lasts all of 7 minutes. However, Monday and Tuesday were different. I came home at 5pm on those two days to be greeted by none other than Homer Brett. Yes it seems that Homer had found his way out of his cage. A feet that would even perplex David Copperfield. The same thing happened on Tuesday when I arrived home. But with every magic trick, there is an explanation. Apparently when Ellen puts Homer away, she lets him in the front of the kennel. When I let him out, he comes out the side of the kennel, and I seemed to have forgotten to close the side the time before. So Homies had two days of pure unadulterated freedom to do whatever he pleased. I'm kinda surprised he didn't pull a Rick James all over our couch...

That's all for now. B-dubs out!!

This week was not nearly as exciting as last week. Homer still leaves a slight wake of skunk smell. You would think that after having him run around outside for a bit, the smell would just dissipate and get covered up by his own dogstink. This is not the case. He now smells like a combination of the two. There is nothing better than waking up to a big smelly skunky Homer head, 3mins before the alarm goes off. This is becoming a regular event. Homer rests his head on the bed, 3 in away from my face, makes some groaning noices and wakes me up just before the alarm goes off. Let me tell you, if you need to send my blood pressure higher than the clouds in the sky, wake me up within 5 minutes of my alarm... However, on Monday morning I was not woken up by Homer's head. I woken up to Homer throwing up everywhere, but mainly right in front of the bathroom. I spent nearly 20 mins. and a half roll of toilet paper trying to remove puke stain. Our carpet was pretty much dyed yellow. It was like Homer pee'd from his mouth. Similar topics have been touched upon by South Park. Eventually it took Ellen's and my team effort to get the stain up. We're not really sure what caused the vomitsode, but this happens to both dogs consistently on a monthly basis.

This Saturday was Ellen's birthday. But of course Homer and Mervin made the day all about them. They are selfish like that. Mervin seemed to want to help Ellen unwrap gifts more than anyone. This conflicted with Ellen's need for space when opening gifts. I had to separate the two for fear that they would start wrestling, and biting and sniffing each others butts. And no one wants to see that... Homer took a more spectator roll next to me. He also made sure we knew when the new neighbor dogs were outside. All in all, it was a fun time. Ellen got everything she could ever want and the dogs got to sniff it all out.

A couple hours later, Mollie showed up on our door step. Clearly this is a situation for Homer to freak out. He eventually loosened up... until Mollie left the room and came back. Then Homer acted like he had 10 min. amnetia. Something that neither dog got over were the balloons that Ellen received from Linda. We kept the balloons in the dining room where we thought they would be out of the way. No no no. The dogs were fully aware of the presence of balloons. Homer would not go near the kitchen or stairs to the second floor. Though Mervin seems to have a little more gumption, he could not even bring himself to eat the bowl of food we had laid out for him. Yes, it takes a lot to scare Merv out of eating. Don't want Mervin to eat? Bring balloons. And of course, Ellen in fine form, thought it would be great to terrorize Merv with balloons AND video tape it. See video below.



We quickly realized that keeping the balloons in the house was causing to much commotion. And Mervin would starve to death. And Homer would wear a hole in the carpet from not leaving the living room... ever. So the balloons have been removed from the interior house structure.

Mervin was an incredibly bad puppy this week. He made the decision that he wanted to eat Homer's food, no matter the cost. Ellen had to drag Merv away from Homer's bowl and the resulting angry fights. The multiple times El had to do this, Mervin would leave trails of mouth fulls of food on the way to his kennel. I mean its not like we do not feed Mervin enough. He gets an allotted amount for his weight. No more, no less. And yet, he is still convinced that he needs Homer's food as well. Clearly Mervin has an addiction and may some day need an intervention.

This week was riddled with bad weather, so Homer and I did not make it out much. This week looks to be pretty good so I am hopeful that we will get out a bunch. On a final note, Homer has developed a small soar on the top of his nose. We noticed this at the beginning of the week in the aftermath of the skunking. By the end of the week, it looked like his nose was scabbed over and healing. If it gets any worse, we will have to take him in to the vet.

Until next time... B-dubs OUT!!

You've just been SKUNK'd!!!

Yes, there is a skunk involved in this blog. Yes, it was the most awful experience I have ever had. Yes, skunks are clearly a cause of global warming. No, I'm not going to tell you about the skunk till the end of the blog. This week was a memorable one. And it basically ended in me finding just one more reason not to want to live on a farm...

This week started out on a fairly tame note. Homer and Mervin went about their normal routines: go outside, eat, nap, go outside, go for a walk, eat, nap, repeat. Unbeknownced to Ellen this daily routine starts at 4:45AM. Needless to say she was perplexed and annoyed when Homervin wanted to go out at 5am. This is normally my responsibility; however, Monday through Wednesday I was down in Rolla, Missery recruiting for Emerson. Homer finally got a walk on Thursday. It was much needed. He was ready to come in though after surviving wind and 20deg weather and scary night deer.

I'm guessing that Homer was so upset that I was in Missery that he decided to rip apart his kennel bed. This was a brand new bed we just bought three weeks ago to replace his old chewed up bed. Looks like somebody is going to get towels next time. Mervin does the same thing when he gets a puffy new bed. Dogs must think beds are like twinkies: soft on the outside with a fluffy white center. That white stuff cannot taste good. Then again niether does poop, but somehow that gets recycled as well...

This weekend we decided to head down to Winterset, IA to celebrate El's birthday with her parents. The trials and tribulations started at around 5pm, Friday. Mervin and Homer seemed incredibly excited for a Friday. Its not like they had worked a job all week and were dying for FAW. While they were running around the house, I was packing up the dog accessories. Here is a list of items needed to take 2 dogs on a weekend out of town:

1. the kennels
2. 3 days worth of food for both dogs
3. the leashes
4. treats for each dog
5. towels for the dogs to sleep on
6. towels to clean up after Merv inevitably pukes in the car
7. a water bowl
8. a bag of bones
9. Mervin's interceptor and frontline
10. Mervin's travel kennel
11. Mervin's travel kennel pad
    

This does not seem like a lot on paper, but let me tell you, have you ever picked up a suitcase thinking it was going to be uber heavy and turns out to not be? This is like that, but opposite. In addition to the above items and the dogs we had to fit Ellen's and my bags into the Saturn. Fitting all of that into a Vue was like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. Seats had to come down, 2 and 3 doors needed to be open at the same time. I actually considered removing the spare tire for some extra room. But yet again, my master packing skills triumphed and we were on the road by 6pmish.

Now as many of you know, the Smith's live on farm just outside of Winterset. And out in the country there are many different kinds of animals. Cows, horses, chickens, other dogs and cats, you know, animals that bring some sort of benefit to the world. There are also animals that do not bring any benefit to the world. Enter the skunk. The skunk is the bane of my wife's existence. She has an oversensitive nose and complains about even the faintest of oders let alone a skunk within a 3 mi radius of our location. As we turned down the gravel road to the Smith farm, we passed a carcass resembling that of a skunk, then followed by the distinct fregrance of concentrated death. I should have known this would be a forshadowing of what would come to be a tragic weekend.

In making the final turn into the driveway of the Smith residence, a new live skunk passed in front of the car and ran behind the shed. I don't what the Smiths are doing these days, but they are attracting some very unsavory folk. Now normally smart dog owners would think, "hmm, dogs are not really smart enough to know that skunks are bad, we might want to put a leash on them." However, we are not smart dog owners. I just let Homer out of the car and he went tearing behind the shed after the skunk. We heard a growl, a wimper and then Homer came trotting back blowing toxic snot buggers and pawing at his face. Yes, Homer got sprayed in the face by a nasty skunk. He pretty much got painted on the front half of his body. All generosity towards dogs ends after that. We put Homer in the shed for the night. Be was perfectly content to chill in his kennel and tear up one of the Smith's old sleeping bags. That night we researched Anti-skunk remedies. Check out About.com for skunk stink removal. We decided on recipe 1 which contained the following ingredients:

• 3% hydrogen peroxide
• baking soda
• liquid soap
  

Saturday morning El and Linda went to town to run some errands and pick up much needed critical ingredients. In addition to the anti-skunk agents, they got a scrub brush, sponges, an abrasive pad and rubber gloves. I spent the morning running around with Homer hoping his mandog stink would overcome the skunk stench. It helped just enough to decrease his putrid aura from 10ft to about 3ft.

The sanitization of Homer was a two person task of epic proportions. Linda and I went to the shed armed with a batch of "Recipe 1", tools, 3 large containers of warm water and an assortment of old towels. We washed out an old kiddy pool left from the Smith kids toddlers. It was a color changer pool trading dirt brown for bright green. Next task was to get Homer into the pool. If you thought he was reluctant, you were wrong... He was incredibly stubburn about it. But once we got him in, he stood still and did just fine. Linda and I spent the next half hour scrubbing Homer from head to toe with the anti-skunk concoction. About.com warned us not to get the solution in his eyes. I have a distinct feeling that the remedy for getting Anti-skunk in your eyes is... to rub skunk juice in them. Maybe not. Anyway, Linda did a great job avoiding the eyes and scrubbig him hard while I had to deal with the posterior. After dousing with 3 large buckets of warm water, we felt confident enough to subject him to the final and ultimate test, Ellen's nose. If Ellen were a super hero, she would be Scent Woman. Yes, Ellen can smell out fear... from miles away. So after letting Ellen scrutinize nearly every bit of Homer's fur, we passed with a resounding, "better than before". Homer was more than ready to come in for the rest of the day.

The stink was not complete dissipated, but he was good enough to come in. Homer spent the next 24 hrs in the basement. By morning he was ready to grace us with his presence up stairs in the kitchen. I think Mervin was the most excited, showering homer with man kisses. Homer was ready to go back downstairs... So in the end, we learned that, the man that invents Anti-skunk in airsol form will be a very rich person.

And one last tidbit of information, I witnessed Mervin pee on himself this morning. I did not think this was possible till I thought about it and I would probably pee on myself as well if I pee'd like a dog. For future reference, do not pee like a dog.

YOU'VE BEEN SKUNK'd!!!!!!!!! B-dubs out.

Dogs are boring...

Some of you might think dogs are boring. Some of you might think dogs are lazy, dirty and overall gross. Many dogs are like this. The dogs that live with us, are all of these except for boring. In fact, many times I would like them to take on the trait of boring. But rarely does "boring" happen when I need it to. Like when Ellen and I are about to leave for somewhere or when we are trying to eat dinner or when we're trying to fall asleep. These are the times when dogs should be boring. But they are not.

I blame this late lack of boringness on the fact that homer has not been walked in days. This is due in part to me being out of state and the other part being Iowa's crappy crappy weather. On Thursday, Homies and I went on a great walk around the lake. The weather was a beautiful 40ish. The walking path was finally clear and Homer is finally getting used to other people. Then the blizzard came and brought 7 inchs of snow with it. That has kept us inside the past couple days, that is one of the reasons why these dogs are not boring. And Mervin has ADD. That's probably some of it too.

This week we experienced the depth and breadth of Homer's fear of the entire world. This year for Valentines day Ellen and I stayed in. We decided to make heart shaped pizzas, sip champagne, exchange gifts and watch some movies. On a side note, pick up Kill the Messenger, for a good laugh (not for kids). I have decided that in the end, Homer is scared of heart shaped pizzas. Due to the fact that my pizza, as you can imagine, had an excessive amount of toppings, this caused the fire alarm to go off during the cooking phase. That alarm is so loud, even I wanted to pee myself. But for Homer this was a new terror beyond anything conceivable. I managed to compose myself enough to get the broom to turn off the smoke alarm. But Homies huddled next to Ellen, quivering and shaking. I had never seen anything like it. This is a particularly difficult situation when Ellen is trying to pull large heart shaped pizzas out of the oven. It took about a half hour for homer to settle down. He pretty much spent dinner under the table. In the end he relaxed and had a pleasant evening. Valentine's day concluded with some gift giving. Homer and Mervin wolfed down some hand made treats. They must have been gourmet because the two dogs did not hold back from their refined tastes.

This week I cleaned the bathtub with which we used to clean Homer and Mervin. That bathtub has never entertained so much abuse. There was so much hare and grime and leftover dog, that it took longer to clean the bathtub than it did to clean the dogs. I am pretty sure we are going to have clogged drains in a month or two. Imagine water from a river flood going down our drain, then add a beaver's worth of hair. That is what it was like.

On Sunday Homers got a new bed for the bedroom. His old one saw its demise after a highly escalated wrestling debacle. We felt that bed stuffing might not be a good element in the dogs diet. Now Homer gets his beauty rest on an extra large doggie matress. That should keep him comfy for the rest of the year. In addition to a new bed, Ellen and I got new phones. The dogs are now our official back-drops.

More to come next week. Peace out, Girl Scouts. B-dubs out...

Snnnnffff... Is that a landfill? No, that's the dogs...

So it is official. I think we are now considered the dirty family on the block... Well at least I think we are. Did you know that if you maintain two dogs in your house, it makes EVERYTHING smell. And if I can smell it, it is bad. In fact, if my odor challenged nostrils can smell it, its been smelling bad for a while and now... I just saw hot wings on the tv ... mmmmm wiiinnngs.

uuuuggghh. Woah. What happen? Oh yeah talking about the dog stink being imparted onto our house. Our pour house. We're going to have to have to move after this... So the dogs are taking advantage of us. Homer has a unique sense of when someone is not looking. When Ellen's back is turned to do her hair and makeup in the morning, Homer will creep ever so slowly downstairs, down the hallway, around the kitchen into the kitchen eating area, into the livingroom and hops up on to the couch. A biiiigggg no no. In the end both dogs get scolded for one thing our another. Usually its for too much rough housing, barking, and dropping a dueces. No wonder our house smells.



Since the weather has been good, the dogs have been outside a little more in the backyard. There is a lot of sprinting, a lot of sniffing. I have noticed when homer wants to come back in, he does not scrape at the window like Merv does. He lets out a couple moans, and then he does a jumping dance that literally shakes the entire deck. He just hops up and down on his front paws. I will have to get a video of it some day.

Speaking of good weather, Saturday was nice enough to take both dogs out. Not at the same time though. No insanidalking this week. I took Homer out first. He was incredibly not excited to meet so many new people. Every time someone would walk by, he would try to run for the lake. Mervin is the exact opposite. Mervin wants to jump on everyone, and every thing. I think Mervin secretly wants to be a human. What do they call that? Trans-spieces? Mervin is specie-confused... That wore both of them out pretty good. I think when the weather gets really nice, I'll walk Mervin in the morning and Homer at night.

Most of you missed the pilot of the Homer and Merv show on Skype last week. The two dogs flaunted their maturing wrastling skills over the interweb while Ellen, Kari and Linda Skyped. Believe me, Homer and Merv are definitely not shy of the video camera, unlike some people on the set of Terminator 4. Though Merv looked like he was ready to cuss me out separating him and Homer and "ruining his lighting". (Christian Bail reference)

(poopwarning) On a side note, we had our drapes in the Master bedroom open for the first time in months this weekend. I happened to glance down at our backyard and I almost cried. Our backyard looks like an Al Quida wet dream. There is a doggie land mine in nearly every sq ft of that back yard. Not Cool. It is going to take me hours to clean all that up. BOOOOO!(/poopwarning)

So, this past Sunday was a landmark in Ben/Homer relationship history. Homer was a clean dog for all of 173 seconds, before romping around with Mervin. Since we had spent most of the day cleaning the house, we thought it wise to clean the dogs as well. This is a multi-step process. Step 1, Cut nails. Merv was very easy. He sits and wimpers just a little and then he is fine. Though I did cut one nail a little too short and made him bleed. Luckily, I have done that before and knew that a little flour on the short nail stops the bleeding. Last time he almost bled out... yeah, nice. Homer was up next... WOW. There is no exaggeration when Joel says Homer does not like to have his nails cut. I gave up after realizing I might not have a hand after this experience. Keep my hand or get one of homer's nails cut? It didn't take long to make that decision. Step 1:50% complete. Step 2, Baths. Merv as per usual took a bath very nicely. He just stands there and looks like a poor poor puppy. That was the easy part, or so I thought.

Yes, I prejudged Homer. I thought Homer was going to be horrible to wash. So I got my swimsuit on and I cleared out all the floor mats from the guest bathroom and thought I was going to have to do serious battle. Not the case. It took a little coaxing to get Homies in the tub and then he just stood there. It was a very pleasant experience. Though, I did pretty much run out of doggy shampoo. It didn't cross my mind that Homer has 4x the sq footage of hair that Mervin does... Toweling Homer off, required 2 towels. He did really good with that too. I turned him loose and shortly after that, the two dogs were slobbering over each other again... Oh well. Step 2: COMPLETE!!

That ends this week's doggieblog. From Dunn Bros Coffee in far off South Dakota... B-dubs out!!

The Superfart Bowl

Some of you may be wondering what the Superfart Bowl is. You will continue to wonder for a little bit longer while we take care of some other things. First off, today's dictionary lesson:

Insanidalking. verb, Def: To make an attempt at walking two or more dogs at the same time where both dogs are seemingly cracked out.

Yes, I too thought this was not in the dictionary. But then I thought, how could it not be. I mean it completely describes someone walking two or more dogs like a beagle and a homer at the same time and one wants to go forward and the other backward, one wants to criss cross the leashes, the other wants to poop (multiple times), one wants to jump on to the on coming walker, the other wants to run away, and both want to pull their master faster than his little legs can move. The likelihood of successfully doing insanidalking is next to zero, even for the professional insanidalkers. You know you have seen them in movies, but really that is just good CG. I made an attempt at insanidalking just this past week. Word to the wise, do not attempt this... ever.

This week we had some problems keeping the dogs out of the bags of food in the closet. So I had to come up with a clever solution. I went to Target and picked up two water resistant discard receptacles capable of retaining more than 20 gallons. Now we don't have naughty puppies getting into the puppy food.

On Wednesday it was uber warm out. So warm we actually could see sprigs of grass pop out from the depths of the snow. The dogs decided to have sprinting matches back and forth across the lawn. Now our backyard is a quagmire of snow, canine fecal matter and mud. It looks awesome. I'm thinking about putting in one of those moving rabbits that runs around the greyhound track. Speaking of being in the backyard, the "girlfriends" were back from Arizona, and let me tell you, they became snotty b&#$^s while they were down in the redbird state. Homer and Mervin started an uproarious barkfest while the ladies in back were outside, prancing around, not returning any of Homer and Merv's beckonings. Typical...

Homer's seemingly infinite amount of intelligence ceases to amaze us. Yesterday he communicated with us that both water dishes were completely and utter empty by thoroughly licking both bowls. Yeah, we're awesome....

(poopwarning) And at last, The Superfart Bowl. This tournament of raunchy flatulence occurred on Tuesday. It all began with Mervin and Homer wolfing down two bones each. For the sake of our noses, that will never happen again. After about an hour Merv kicked off the competition with a monster fart that nearly made me pass out from the lack of oxygen in the air. In an attempt to get away I moved closer to Homer. Mistake!! It was like Homer literally punched me in the face with a stink bomb. It was so bad, I almost considered throwing up into a paper bag and hyperventilating into that before I would have to smell that again. I mean it smelled like indian food covered in burnt hair. It smelled like Bigfoot's rear-end (don't ask). Needless to say Homer won. Ellen came in last...

And on that note, B-dubs out...

Of dogs and puppies

First off, our house was not quite built for 2 dogs. We pretty much need double the square footage. This morning Homer was chasing Merv out of the living room into the kitchen. As you might guess, a dog trying to stop on a wood floor is like an SUV putting on the breaks in an ice rink. Needless to say Merv went crashing into his bowl and water dish like Friday night at cosmic bowling. I didn't think it was funny at the time, but now that I think about it... Anyway, on to this weeks events.

Homer and I have been pretty much going on a walk every day when it is not 300 deg below zero. Thursday we went on an extra long walk around the lake. Homer thought it was great to see some new scenery. Along our way we saw 13 deer. If you were thinking Homer must have been scared, you thought correct. If you thought I was scared, ... you are correct. Wild animals at night are kinda creepy.

This week we have pretty much established an eating schedule. Merv, eats first and takes about 13.5 secs to finish his bowl. He fits in well with the Smiths. In fact, you would need 3 cups of coffee and a powerbar, to keep up with Merv's pace. He could probably eat Kobiyashi under the table (if they were having a dog food eating contest). So after Merv's gorgefest. He gets thrown outside because of course Merv is not satisfied with his own meal and then its Homer's turn. Homer's eating is like a typical night out with the Wades, widely extended and consistently interrupted. Every time Homer takes a bite, he has to look up to see if something is going on or he does a circle while munching. Also someone needs to be standing next to him, for his fear that the food might eat him. Homer eats like I eat at BWW. He likes to savor every bite. Nothing wrong with that.

The puppy dog wrestling matches have escalated this week. Both have found new tactics to attack/annoy each other. Mervin has used aerial attacks in the past; but, now he has resorted to standing on his hind paws and putting his fronts around Homer's neck. This is similar to submissions only seen in a UFC octagon. Homer has found that Mervin has a turkey neck. So he likes to latch on to Merv and drag him across the room. Though both dogs usually deserve the punishing they give to each other, we are trying to limit the use of both of these new moves. See the video below for a better example.



Joel is not the only one that sees red. Ellen witnessed blood lust Michael Vick style just this morning when the two dogs brought their fighting to a whole new level. There was a lot of very loud angry barking and baring of teeth. Ellen ran for the hills and I had to use my angry grown up voice. Each dog was sent to a different end of the room for time out. Apparently the terse disagreement was over a half used bone. Everyone gets their own bone now and instead of fighting we have musical bones...

Here are some personality traits that we have noticed. Merv brings the definition of brat to a whole new level. You cannot pet Homer without Merv jumping all over you and Homer. Whatever bone Homer has, Merv has to have, hence musical bones. Where ever Homer goes, Merv has to go. Merv is like the sucker fish on the side of the big shark. If you have paid any attention to the survey, Mervin is clearly in the lead for being the most annoying. Homer is becoming increasingly whinny. He will sit in his crook in the couch and make low pitched whines in half hour spurts. Yes, homer has a deeper voice than I do.

(poopwarning) So Mervin has shifted his interest from Homer's poop to his man stream. Yes Merv has literally been pee'd in the face. It is Merv's own fault. It only takes getting pee'd in the face once to realize you don't like it. For Merv, it might take more...(/poopwarning)

Welp, that's it for this week. More stories and pictures next week.

Welcome

Welcome to A Tale of Two Puppies. And by puppies, I mean fully grown dogs. This is a blog dedicated to the appreciation of two of our best friends. For those looking for majestic prose of two cronies embarking on journeys of joy and grandeur, go somewhere else because you are not going to find that here. Nor will you find good grammar, rising stock prices or even truthful stories. Yes, I might make stuff up. More than likely this will be a weekly blog, mainly because the dog life is exciting, but not a daily basis.

Our first pup is possibly the result of a drunken night between a foxy doberman and a randy beagle. This resulted in Kari & Joel's best friend on four legs (besides a crawling Ethan), Homer. Homer is a loving dog who wears his heart on his sleeve and expresses his like (or dislike) for every new person he meets. With the mind of a 30lb dog and the body of an 80lb dog, Homer is a great cuddler. If there is an intruder/any obscure noise around the house, Homer will let you know.

Homer's cohort is Mervin. Merv is a tri-color beagle and the summation of years and years of inbreeding. Decades of energy and stubbornness have been concentrated into one 30lb dog. If Homer lets you know of an intruder, Mervin is the one that will lick the intruder into slobbery submission. Yes, he has an incredibly long tongue and would make Gene Simmons blush.

So to kick off this blog, here is a brief senobsis of what has transpired the past 3 days. Friday, El brought Homer home to Mervin's excitement. Homer is always welcomed by copious licking of the face. They indulged in their regular wrestling matches and then it was time to waive bye to the Bretts. Homers new "safe" zone is the dining room. His kennel is there. It is his place of solitude and meditation when there is someone in the house he does not like.

Speaking of people he does not like, Mollie and John came over that Friday night. By the time Mollie and John left Saturday afternoon, Homer had finally befriended Mollie. John still needs some work.

Saturday brought on a whole new meaning to the song "getting to know you", when Merv proceeded to stick his head in Homer's butt while Homer was doing #2. Now to us humans Homer produces the closest thing to a toxic genocidal biological weapon of mass suffocation, but I guess to Mervin, it was roses. Merv loved it so much he wanted to roll in it before Ellen could yell at him. In future posts I will provide a poop warning to those that want to skip over the poop sections.

Homer and I have gone on 2 walks so far and I hope to continue making this a daily habit (pending weather). We have gone around the neighborhood and tried to go around the lake, but the snow was too deep. Homer likes his new surroundings. He has captured the hearts of a couple waivers. (poopwarning)On Sunday I managed to find the only plastic bag in our collection with a hole in it and yes, I got poop on my gloves. I thought about throwing them out, then decided to attempt to wash them. We'll see tonight. (/poopwarning) Hopefully when the weather gets warm, he can run with me in the morning.

Overall, the addition of Homer has gone relatively smooth. We have gotten him to eat about every morning and night and wrestling goes through its highs and lows. That might take a week or two to get out of their system. Homer has taken to nesting in the corner of the couch and the adomen on my end. He quietly watchs TV with the rest of us, unless he is being pestered by Mervins.

That brings a close to this week's update. I'm sure there will be more excitement in the coming week.